“Recovery is a spectrum. I don’t think you can put a time frame on gluing pieces of a broken soul back together. Our minds are wondrous and bafflingly strong. Hence, when one turns against itself and slowly self destructs, it takes it’s toll. Those who find themselves lost in the depths of mental illness are beatiful and strong. And still recovering.
Nearly five years have come and gone and I’m still not sure where on the spectrum I land. Some days I’m on top of the world. Most days, however, I’m simply nowhere at all; a world of grey and uncertainty.
That’s the world I spend a lot of time on. I don’t mean that despairingly -I do a little bit, I suppose- but it can be difficult. I would compare it to having lost enough little bits of my heart to where I am unable to feel as I am myself completely. I simply could not just go back to the irrevocably optimist I once was. My bright eyes were simply darkened a bit and I could not change that.
Living like that emptied my soul of nearly every ounce of motivation. In truth I wake up each day feeling, at most, a little bit more motivated than not.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to paint it like I’ve given up and lost all hope on full recovery. That’s something I will not do again. I just want to be as open as possible in this account.
This state of mind has caused me to be more distant and hesitant to unveil my feelings. Its caused me to step away from everything I was before and reexamine every detail. Determine what I want to continue carrying and what I need to cut loose to allow myself to move on. It is no small process and one I have barely scratched the surface of.
I am the same person at my core. I am me. I am a ditsy goofball with a desire to bring others happiness and hope. That could never be taken out of the equation. That is why I am writing. I do not think that recovery is an unreachable place. I believe incredible things can happen and healing can happen unexpectedly. That is why I believe it to be a spectrum. Each human mind and heart is unique and complex.
Sometimes all you need is a step in the right direction. I feel that step on my horizon. I know it’s something I must do by my own choosing. I feel the smoking embers of a motivation I haven’t felt in what seems like a lifetime.
Regardless of if my spectrum brightens up again and I find myself completely whole, or not, I will carry on. I will share whatever amount of hope and happiness I have that day with others. I feel that is the case for many who have dealt with the kind of darkness depression and anxiety can throw you into.
And to all of you who can relate, I believe in you. Wherever you are on the spectrum, you are beautiful and never alone. It’s ok to have shitty days. It’s ok to have an amazing day after that, as insanely confusing as that is.
And to those close friends and family who know we have crazy minds and support and stick by us, you are amazing and we need you. Thank you for sticking by. Continue being the lifesavers you are, despite our sometimes wishy-washy days.
Keep fighting on. Much love. :)’